Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize