Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
