so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
