Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
