Swine flu is the new snow day.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
