One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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