I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
ugly people sure do ruin things
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
