I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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