I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
