Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
