the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
