dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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