In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
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