I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
