i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Randomize
