Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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