he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
