Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
