I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
