Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
We left the knife in your bed.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
