Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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