I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Michael Bay diarrhea
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
