hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
