If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
