Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize