tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
