my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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