Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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