I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
