The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
