Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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