so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Ketchup is God's man juice
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Everyone says I win the strip club
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
