Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
