I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
