ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
How does one acquire holy water?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
