i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Randomize
