If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
