Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
