As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
