I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize