I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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