There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
