Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
