From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
