just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Randomize
