omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
