Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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