thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize