How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
