The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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