Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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