Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
