If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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