1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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