i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
