Just fell off a train. Bad.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
