i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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