i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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