my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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