I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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